lamely excited?

that my request for a higher credit line on my BofA credit card was instantly approved from $4900 for $9000. yayy, except now I wish I requested $10000 :X

finally almost making that $10k mark for on one card

now gotta work on my chase card! 

Thursday

Today was rough.

Went to Santa Ana for jury duty at 7:45am and waited in a chair until 3pm to finally get dismissed and told we are excused. I stayed the entire time except during the lunch period from 12:00pm-1:30pm where I drove to garden grove to visit a patient for work, because I was so stressed out about missing work today. All I had for lunch was a blueberry muffin and lays barbecue chips that I bought at the courthouse cafeteria. After 3pm I went and did 3 more patient visits and then drove to the office to clock in and out. I went home and ate my leftover trader joes dumplings I made last night. And throughout this entire day I was thinking about how bored I was and was sad for myself because I had no one to complain to, which made me miss randy. Now that I'm home, I still miss talking to him and it's making me really sad. Just the lack of the little everyday parts of talking to him and complaining to him is making me really lonely. 

Tuesday

Today, I worked from 8:15am-5:15pm. I did some visits for patients around buena park and placentia. I made lunch at home, which was steak, runny eggs, avocado, and strawberry infused water. I went home and got ready to meet Eilly for dinner at Summit House. Dinner with Eilly was really good! It was a lot of fun catching up and having girl talk. I've known her since the summer before 2nd year of ucla, and we've been close friends since then :). I went home and posted pictures. I am too tired to do any online orientation videos tonight and also too tired to read :( maybe tomorrow.. Although, I am on-call for my second job tomorrow and I get high anxiety :/

current worries and fears and wonders

• slowly losing my hearing. i feel that my hearing from my left ear is getting more muffled every day and it scares me that it's so premature. 
• not finding a secure group of friends to hang out with. i feel like i'm such a floater. 
• not being able to find another significant other i feel so passionately about and have the feelings be reciprocated and returned
• wondering if my current career is what i want to do for the rest of my life. is there something greater for me or more fulfilling? i feel so content currently and not having enough growth
• is Orange County where i will end up residing forever or is there a better location for me?
• will my acne ever go away or will i ever feel comfortable enough in my own skin to show it?
• will i achieve my life goal of traveling to 30 different countries before i'm 30? is this a selfish desire when i could be using my traveling money for my future? or for my family?

mostly recent things i'm proud of

• graduating with my Bachelors in Sociology and minor in Education Studies from UCLA
• graduating with my Masters of Social Work from USC
• receiving a job offer less than 3 weeks after getting my Masters
• having a regular full-time job as a medical social worker
• having a second part-time job on evenings and weekends as an on-call medical social worker for crises and EOBs
• receiving a raise at my full-time job after advocating for myself and proving my worth
• successfully negotiating my wage for my second job during my offer
• having my online store tinyloon.storenvy.com that I still need to update with new items 
• finding a room to rent all on my own and moving all my things on my own
• building my bookshelf by myself and half of my dresser
• joining a yoga studio monthly membership, even if it was only for four months
• finally joining a gym, even if it is not 24 hr fitness
• working out regularly at the gym or doing yoga
• being financially independent - health insurance, dental, rent, student loans, bills,
• paying my student loans on my own and doing well on finishing payments within 2-3 years
• having a much healthier diet and lifestyle
• exploring Orange County on my own - LB Flea Market and more to come  
• planning a solo plane trip to SF for a weekend 

I'm proud of myself for doing these things on my own, because I am starting to realize that I am the only one who can bring myself happiness through accomplishment like these. I cannot depend on anyone else for happiness when I am the one who creates it for myself. 

Monday

Today, I worked a regular day from 8:30am-5:00pm. I went to my grandma's house for lunch. I found out my uncle had a heart attack yesterday morning and just got out of heart surgery. I went to the a yoga sculpt class for the first time since October 2013 when my membership expired. I went home and drank protein after yoga kicked my ass. I tried to prep for my work lunch tomorrow, but only made mexican style corn togo and my green juice made from sunday. I did five, 4.5hrs worth of HENS online orientation videos (but really finished them in one hour) that I did not end up doing yesterday (there are about 15 more videos to go). I wanted to read "Everything is Illuminated," but it's already almost 1am and time to sleep. Tomorrow, I will be having dinner at Summit House with Eilly and hopefully read tomorrow night.

I actually felt kinda okay today and almost content? 

Today

Yesterday, Randy and I broke up.

Today, I went to the LB Flea Market by myself. I bought a 50 cent ring and a $20 initial necklace. I went to buy Nektar juice. I went to buy a 10 class yoga package at my favorite yoga studio for $145. I went to get one hour body massage. I went to the gym and did 6 reps of 10, 90lbs back squats. I bought groceries for the week. I made carne asada tocos and also packed my lunch for work tomorrow with leftover tacos. I juiced 3 quarts of green juice. And i'm planning to do 3 hrs of online orientation for work before I go to sleep tonight.

I haven't felt this productive in a while. It makes me wonder where all this free time went before.

Current lusts

it'd be nice if they'd just magically appear in my room one day

starting to blog again

it's been a long time since i've written on this blog. i actually wanted to start a new blog entirely, because i didn't feel comfortable with this one anymore and wanted to start off fresh, but then as i was rereading some old entries, i saw the beauty of the timeline of my emotions over the years that i couldn't help but want to continue with this one again. i've had a lot of change and growth since my last entry here. there are also a lot of things that i've accomplished that i am proud of.

since my last blog entry in April 2013, i've graduated from USC with my Masters of Social Work. I moved back to my parent's house and had a going away party with friends. I got a full time job less than a month after graduation and moved back to OC. I interviewed at a hospice, got offered, and accepted the job on the same day, on June 5, 2013. My official DOH was June 13, 2013, a day after my dad's birthday. I moved back to live at my relative's house in Westminster and paid rent until i found a place to rent with strangers on craigslist. I started dating Randy again, which i didn't expect. I moved to Anaheim on October 1, 2013. I got in a major car accident on October 6, coming back from SM to Anaheim, which totaled my 2006 Honda Civic. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. A car was merging into me and i swerved to avoid it but lost control and crashed into the center divider and then my car spun out across all four lanes on the fwy over to the side and crashed into the rail there. i still get afraid to drive on the fwy now, but i have to drive so much for work that i need to just get over that fear. I got a new car, 2014 Honda Accord Sport, from my parents to replace my old car. I love it and I love my parents for always being there for me. They really do take care of me well. I became more financially independent by paying my own rent, health insurance, dental insurance, student loans and other bills. i'm especially proud of being able to pay off my student loans on my own. My goal is to pay it all off in less than 2 years from now, so about December 2015. I got a second job that is on-cal at my previous hospice internship and started on November 6, 2013. I was pretty proud about that too. I'm still getting trained to do new tasks for the job, but i'm enjoying it a lot even though i may complain a lot. Just surrounding myself with professional and experienced coworkers has given me a lot of the growth that i've needed for myself professionally. i've been learning how to compromise more in my relationship. Overall, i've just been trying to understand life as an adult since graduation. i'm slowly getting there. I've been having a lot of different desires and wants for some time and it's a struggle for me to understand if they're valid, selfish, or unreasonable. or if it's just a phase. i guess only time will tell.

Goals for 2014:
-be more assertive
-put myself first
-do not feel bad about doing things i don't want to do
-be more confident in my skills, qualities, and assets
-be more refined
-redevelop my style
-start sewing again
-gym at least 4x/wk
-give more of my time to others
-be more open to others
-develop closer bonds and relationships
-travel
-take care of my skin and body
-learn to juice
-deepen my yoga practice
-not compare myself to others
-have deeper self-awareness

hmm.. almost graduation

it is week 15 of my 2nd year of grad school. the last formal classes of my education ever are tomorrow (today). i feel, okay about it? this entire spring semester has been pretty chill. only two classes on tuesdays (grief and loss, research) and 20 hours of internship a week (monday, wednesday, half thursday). pretty chill. felt bored most of the semester. but i did end up really getting into yoga and guitar since january, which have really help me with personal development. i'm all about that personal development ish. i don't really have any feelings about graduation for some reason. i don't feel as excited as my classmates. i feel kind of like grad school was pretty easy compared to undergrad. these past two years have definitely shaped me into a better person though. i've learned so much and had a lot of growth since the beginning of the this journey in late august 2011. i definitely still have a lot to work on though. i need to better my interpersonal skills and confidence. my writing and some communication skills have definitely improved (maybe not so much in this post, but professionally). it was a really good decision for me to go to grad school and i really appreciate the experience. but the actual graduation ceremony isn't that big of a deal to me. it makes me more stressed than happy actually. worrying about my family arriving and finding a place to eat. seems like a hassle to coordinate things. yeah, first world problems. having the title of MSW after my name seems pretty cool, i guess. i do feel sort of accomplished, but just not excited. maybe i'm in denial that i have to find a job soon. the friendships i've made in grad school have been above and beyond what i expected. i had such a fear of not even meeting anyone i would click with. there's still just a handful of people i can go to within my classmates, but it's good enough for me and i'm overall happy with the connections i've made. i would have liked to try harder to network with more of my classmates and faculty, but it's really just not within my personality yet i guess. i believe i've done as much as i could have, and i'm fine with that. let's see. it is now almost May 2013 and since graduating from UCLA in June 2010 (but officially december 2010), i've traveled to many countries, including Vietnam, HK, London, many EU countries, i've met many wonderful new friends, got deeper into sewing, photography, yoga, guitar, got into grad school, am finishing grad school, and here i am now. that was just within the past 3 years.  i can't even imagine the capacity of what i could do and accomplish within the next 5 years when i will be... 29 pushing 30? ew. i can only hope to complete my dreams of traveling to SE Asia and going to 30 countries before i'm 30. I hope to have the experience of living in another big city (hoping SF) for a duration of time. hope to find the man of my dreams by then and get engaged. and most importantly, hoping to get a well paying job and be the success that my parents have always hoped for me to be. that's all i really want this next chapter in my life. let me make it happen.