ramble on

SO after a couple days of self-reflection and through the help of official and unofficial counseling, i think have a little bit more self-awareness now... or at least i hope so, right. anyway, i'm starting wonder whether or not i'm actually aware of how i'm coming off to people and how i'm being perceived. i've never been strong at being expressive with my emotions and i'm starting to realize that it's affecting my life more than i want it to. my interviewing skills need work, definitely. i think perhaps i need to appear more engaged and interested somehow, because i often don't come across as being interested in something genuinely.. EVEN THOUGH I AM, i just don't know how to express it. it's always been difficult for me. a friend of mine told me once, or a few times, that i always look bored or unenthusiastic. it could be true that my affect and facial expressions look unexcited, but it's not how i actually feel. and i don't know how to outwardly show my excitement for things sometimes. it's strange to me too. i must learn how to match my affect with my emotions more effectively. i'm resistant sometimes i guess to doing that, because i don't like forcing things out. i don't like feeling inauthentic to myself. and in an interview for instance, if they're gonna ask me why i want to do what i'm applying for, i wouldn't typically present myself like an enthusiastic motherfucker about it, but rather have a neutral face and explain why, even though i do have passion for it. fuck, i think i'm rambling again. overall, i think i really need to work on my interpersonal skills. in social and professional settings, i've always considered myself awkward. yes, AWKWARD. talking in group settings and to my supervisors always makes me nervous, not to mention public speaking. i think i've improved over the past year though through my internship and class presentations, but i want to see more growth. especially in social settings, because i often can't even feel comfortable around my peers. this entry is very disorganized, because my thoughts are too cluttered. next entry will be better, promise.