Les Mis

so excited for this

photo updates

home pt. 2

being at home. still unsure about how i'm feeling. went for a run today for 40 minutes around the parameter of my neighborhood, possibly going 1mi/hr. i figured since there's not much to do around here, i might as well run because i feel comfortable running outside in a small town as opposed to in the OC. that was my first time running in about year, no lie, and that felt good i suppose. promised to take my brother to Game Stop today so we can get xbox points or something to purchase Castle Crashers.. been wanting to play that for a while. but overall, i'm not sure if being at home makes me feel good. it makes me feel restless here and the lack of things to do makes me feel lazier than i did in the OC. my friends in town all have their own families/worries/jobs now or they have moved out. i definitely don't see myself living back here again. there's nothing left for me besides my family. and i love my family, but my parents can be so frustrating everyday that it makes me want to leave as soon as i come. but i love spending time here with my grandma and siblings. my sister can make me laugh like no other, my brother is so innocent and sweet still that i try to soak in every minute of that before he starts to become a teenager, and my grandma.. i love her so much, and she's growing older which hurts to realize. i want to spend as much time with her as i can, but other factors around being here makes me want to get out. and this is basically how i feel each time i go home.

home

i hate being at home a lot of the time, which is why i try to avoid going home if i can. usually i can endure a few days, but it hasn't even been a few hours since i've been here yet and i already want to leave. i don't have enough freedom here. not only that, but being at home just breaks my heart every single time i'm here. there are too many fucked up unresolved issues that go on in my house and no one is willing to confront any of it. and it's the same thing every single time i'm back. i'm not very close to either of my parents. my mom has never really been affectionate or particularly kind towards me. i can empathize more with my dad, but he's always too caught up in his own frustrations to understand my perspective. i definitely don't want this for myself in the future. i hope there are better things out there for me with my own kids later. i'm also talking out of frustration, because it's been a long day and i didn't hear what i wanted to hear tonight.

i'm into you

digging this song

a lot of cluttered thoughts right now.

i think i'm going under a lot of stress right now and most of it came up within the past two hours. i was set on going to hang out with friends tonight at kbbq and 10 mins later decided not to go, and then 20 mins after that i was convinced again to go and i'm glad because it was nice seeing everyone. i didn't eat though cause i've already had my share of being a fatass this for the past 6 days already. anyway, 20 minutes after i got there, i got a call from my dad saying that he needs me to go home tomorrow to help out at the restaurant.. which is fine, except i already made plans for friday and saturday. and friday is already going to be stressful for me before i even found out i needed to go home. i have class registration tomorrow in the morning, a skype meeting/appointment with some one tomorrow at 1pm, and was going to have dinner in LA with my good friend cause she wanted me to meet her new bf. and saturday i had a paid gig that i was going to do in the afternoon and then go to LA at night for a friend's bday. SO, i just cancelled all those plans about an hour ago, so that i can go home. and i'll have to leave tomorrow after my skype interview, so probably around 2pm. it takes about 3-4hrs to get to my town and i'll need to go straight to the restaurant and try to make it by 6pm. i'm pretty exhausted from stress and i need to pack soon. i wasn't planning to go home until sunday. i don't even know how long i'll be staying home, but hopefully not obligated to stay that long, because i need to do other things in the OC. in addition to that new stress, the stress from earlier this week is still on my mind. and to further add to that, i'm just feeling kind of conflicted with life in general right now and i'm not really sure what i want. COOL.

ramble on

SO after a couple days of self-reflection and through the help of official and unofficial counseling, i think have a little bit more self-awareness now... or at least i hope so, right. anyway, i'm starting wonder whether or not i'm actually aware of how i'm coming off to people and how i'm being perceived. i've never been strong at being expressive with my emotions and i'm starting to realize that it's affecting my life more than i want it to. my interviewing skills need work, definitely. i think perhaps i need to appear more engaged and interested somehow, because i often don't come across as being interested in something genuinely.. EVEN THOUGH I AM, i just don't know how to express it. it's always been difficult for me. a friend of mine told me once, or a few times, that i always look bored or unenthusiastic. it could be true that my affect and facial expressions look unexcited, but it's not how i actually feel. and i don't know how to outwardly show my excitement for things sometimes. it's strange to me too. i must learn how to match my affect with my emotions more effectively. i'm resistant sometimes i guess to doing that, because i don't like forcing things out. i don't like feeling inauthentic to myself. and in an interview for instance, if they're gonna ask me why i want to do what i'm applying for, i wouldn't typically present myself like an enthusiastic motherfucker about it, but rather have a neutral face and explain why, even though i do have passion for it. fuck, i think i'm rambling again. overall, i think i really need to work on my interpersonal skills. in social and professional settings, i've always considered myself awkward. yes, AWKWARD. talking in group settings and to my supervisors always makes me nervous, not to mention public speaking. i think i've improved over the past year though through my internship and class presentations, but i want to see more growth. especially in social settings, because i often can't even feel comfortable around my peers. this entry is very disorganized, because my thoughts are too cluttered. next entry will be better, promise.

completely devastated

i hope everything happens for a reason... i definitely need a pick-me-up right now.

summer has been good to me

Star KBBQ with cousins, Long Beach Pride Parade, lunch with Roland, new hamsa necklace from Roland's mom's store, and matcha kit kats!! summer has been good to me

i was so mesmerized that..

i bought one

interesting couple of nights

Very interesting thursday night. I was Hello Kitty for a gig at a Macy's event at South Coast Plaza from 5-8pm. Got a surprise visit from three friends right when i finished being HK and they brought me Kogi tacos. unfortunately, they completely missed me in the costume. yes, that's me down there. Afterwards, i met up with the same friends to go out to bars in Santa Ana where unmentionable things happened. it was awesome.

Friday night was also interesting. I went to my friend's bday and didn't know anyone who was going to be there, except one person who i knew would arrive later in the night, which made me hesitant to go. that person is this asshole douchebag that i have been avoiding for almost four years now, i think. anyway, the night was pretty fun and it wasn't as awkward as i imagined to go to a party where i didn't know anyone. i met some pretty nice people and when the scumbag asshole who does not deserve to live came later on, we kept our distance. although, being that close in proximity to him made me want to kick the living shit out of him.. sadly, it was only imagined in my head. needless to say, i'm not one to forgive and forget that easily.

determined to travel

i've really been wanting to travel this summer during my 3.5 months vacation before school resumes in late august. i've finally accepted that i will probably have to travel alone. i've been looking at student tours in SE Asia and today i just realized that might even volunteer abroad somewhere. volunteering would definitely be a resume builder for my profession. i've been researching online for different programs all day and i hope everything works out in the end.

hey there, it's christine

vegas trip

can i move forward already

the more i'm bored, the more prominent my single status seems. and the more prominent my single status is to me, the more i consume myself with memories from my past relationships. i caught myself reading over old emails from my last relationship tonight and i'm not sure how i feel. it made me laugh and smile, as i remembered feeling that genuine love and happiness, but then it also made me feel sad and lonely because that's not present now. i don't think that this discontentment is from not being in that particular relationship anymore, but from just being alone in general. i haven't had a kiss since my last bf, which has been close to a year now. shit, i haven't even held hands with anyone or been on a date, let alone anything remotely intimate with anyone. and i miss that. i miss the intimacy, the messages, the texting, the connection, the support, the love, the butterflies, the contentment, the excitement, everything. so why haven't i moved forward yet? am i being too picky? i could easily let someone i meet at a club makeout with me, but i don't. although, it's mostly because i think that's tacky and not really my style. i just feel like i need to be so careful now with the next person i want to be with. i feel like i'm getting old and that i can't be so naive anymore. i can't have these ideations of romantic fantasies with just anyone that aren't actually that realistic anymore. but with this caution also comes a lot of fear to move on and try new people? am i just afraid of getting hurt again? that could be the reason under everything, but even i'm not sure. maybe i'm just too determined to wait for something that feels right, genuine, mutual, and compatible that i'm overlooking potential people who could become that overtime. but then i have this whole mantra of following my instincts with attraction and i haven't found anyone that i'm instinctually attracted enough to yet. but i don't want to be alone forever. i'm torn between waiting for something right and wanting to just move forward already.

middle school letters

had a rush nostalgia tonight when i ended up finding my old pink inflatable backpack full of old notes and letters from friends from between 5th-9th grade. i couldn't bring myself to read them, because i was too afraid of the content. i did stumble across one letter though from a boy i sort of, sort of didn't like in 9th grade and it was hilarious. it was a letter from him to me, which went a little something like this: "...three girls asked me out today! and it made me feel kind of good because it was all in the same day. one was some black girl, i think her name is Dizzy. one was Jasmine from our class. and the other one was Sasha, this girl who was stalking me. i said no to all three of them, but i'll have to tell you the reason why in another letter...." and then he proceeded with ending the letter with "your dorky boy" and giving me his digitz. and this was a TYPED letter, might i add... bahahaha.. i actually remember reading that letter the first time in 9th grade and wondering if he was trying to say that he had a crush on me or not, because that letter was pretty damn leading. i found out much later in the 12th grade that he did, but none of that mattered then. hahahaha, oh childhood.... those impressionable, hilarious, and awkward years... i don't think i'll ever grow out of that awkward phase actually.. 

post-finals photos

  

"they call me Adam Yauch, but i'm MCA"

rip MCA

year one

After 10 courses, one year in a clinical setting internship, literally HUNDREDS of pages of papers, disappointments, uplifting moments, breakdowns, breakthroughs, and many, MANY drinks and mental breaks for self-care, I have finally completed my first year of grad school :)


I am mentally checking out until August.


 -Tine xx

social work ryan gosling

life just got better

i want to be this hilarious when i'm old

this was WAY TOO FUNNY not to share

gingers

Ed Sheeran x Rupert Grint

still procrastinating

I can't stop thinking about my summer plans, or potentially the lack of. A month ago, I was under the impression by my mom that we would be having a family trip either to Hawaii or China during July. but she just stated today that neither may happen. last week, I had an interview for a summer job in Little Tokyo as a program coordinator and the interviewers seemed very receptive towards me and sounded like they wanted to hire me, but it requires a full time commitment of 30hrs/wk from June-August.. meaning I would have to sacrifice the family trip. but with new information from today, it seems that the family trip was already sacrificed for me, and now I really want the summer job. my only concern for the job would be the commute from the OC to dtLA 4x a week for a 9am-5pm job, which sucks ass... I've already experience the commute to LA multiple times and have hated it each time. so that would mean I may have to find an apartment in LA to sublet for at least July and August, which actually sounds kind of fun to live in LA again. Mantra is, everything happens for a reason. We'll see what the results are by the end of this week, I hope. In the meantime, i'll continue to daydream about my summer plans.

Little Tokyo Tree of Dreams