hmm.. almost graduation

it is week 15 of my 2nd year of grad school. the last formal classes of my education ever are tomorrow (today). i feel, okay about it? this entire spring semester has been pretty chill. only two classes on tuesdays (grief and loss, research) and 20 hours of internship a week (monday, wednesday, half thursday). pretty chill. felt bored most of the semester. but i did end up really getting into yoga and guitar since january, which have really help me with personal development. i'm all about that personal development ish. i don't really have any feelings about graduation for some reason. i don't feel as excited as my classmates. i feel kind of like grad school was pretty easy compared to undergrad. these past two years have definitely shaped me into a better person though. i've learned so much and had a lot of growth since the beginning of the this journey in late august 2011. i definitely still have a lot to work on though. i need to better my interpersonal skills and confidence. my writing and some communication skills have definitely improved (maybe not so much in this post, but professionally). it was a really good decision for me to go to grad school and i really appreciate the experience. but the actual graduation ceremony isn't that big of a deal to me. it makes me more stressed than happy actually. worrying about my family arriving and finding a place to eat. seems like a hassle to coordinate things. yeah, first world problems. having the title of MSW after my name seems pretty cool, i guess. i do feel sort of accomplished, but just not excited. maybe i'm in denial that i have to find a job soon. the friendships i've made in grad school have been above and beyond what i expected. i had such a fear of not even meeting anyone i would click with. there's still just a handful of people i can go to within my classmates, but it's good enough for me and i'm overall happy with the connections i've made. i would have liked to try harder to network with more of my classmates and faculty, but it's really just not within my personality yet i guess. i believe i've done as much as i could have, and i'm fine with that. let's see. it is now almost May 2013 and since graduating from UCLA in June 2010 (but officially december 2010), i've traveled to many countries, including Vietnam, HK, London, many EU countries, i've met many wonderful new friends, got deeper into sewing, photography, yoga, guitar, got into grad school, am finishing grad school, and here i am now. that was just within the past 3 years.  i can't even imagine the capacity of what i could do and accomplish within the next 5 years when i will be... 29 pushing 30? ew. i can only hope to complete my dreams of traveling to SE Asia and going to 30 countries before i'm 30. I hope to have the experience of living in another big city (hoping SF) for a duration of time. hope to find the man of my dreams by then and get engaged. and most importantly, hoping to get a well paying job and be the success that my parents have always hoped for me to be. that's all i really want this next chapter in my life. let me make it happen.

it's a late night

tears won't stop falling
the pain has not subsided
i can't fall asleep

things i like that are on my mind

teas - oolong, rooibos, earl grey, jasmine, green, black teas with milk, loose leaf teas

learning new yoga inversions

my addiction to lip products, especially fruity lip balms and lip sticks

enjoying my hair growing longer

moisturized hands. mine have been dry these days.

making new foods with the help of others cause i always get it wrong on my own

healthy eating. i'm loving granola and greek yogurt right now.

the feeling of motivation and drive. i've been getting them in random bursts but they don't last long unfortunately.

random acts of kindness by others. customer from the restaurant brought me a book today.

the rare good photos of myself that i approve of

realizing that i deserve much more

enjoying the company of my family

confidence

being able to separate the genuine from the inauthentic

laughing

feeling content with how things are going

past week

been feeling kind of empty lately. been thinking about him again. distractions haven't been enough. been going to yoga and pilates a lot, 4 times this week. losing interest in learning guitar for some reason. my momentum for a job search has declined. been writing in my moleskine journal more often.  been eating both healthy and unhealthy foods. social life is okay, but feels meaningless. work is okay, getting a larger case load of patients. avoiding any guys who i feel are on the pursuit, uninterested right now. unsure of what i'm looking for.

guy friends

i'm starting to question whether they truly have no ulterior motives.