Busy work day

This week has been one of my busiest, if not busiest, days/weeks at work since Jess has been away due to family emergency. I have had to take her caseload on too of mine. It has been incredibly busy, but at the same time, I kind of enjoy it and feel alive, happy, and productive as opposed to lazy, unmotivated, and bored previously. Being busy at work has also (maybe?) made me productive, more ambitious, and happier in my personal life after work. I've been sewing again! :)

week by week

my life keeps changing week by week, but at the same time feels the same?

void

i definitely feel a void in my life. i miss him. when i think i'm pulling through, a few moments later i break down again. i hate this deceiving cycle. even though i miss him, i can't shake off feeling like i'm beginning to forget how it feels like with him anymore. i almost don't remember how to interact with him. it's becoming just a vague and familiar feeling. the vividness is fading. i want it to all fade sooner.

Gratitude

I must be more grateful for the things in my life. I complain too often.

burn out

LOL I'm so burnt out all I can do is laugh right now 

Sf weekend

march 16-19, Thursday night to Sunday night.

I stayed with Stephen the whole weekend and saw Katrina and mike on Friday and Saturday. Ate ice cream everyday.

Thursday 

-watched The Looking with Stephen 

Friday

-explored sf by myself and walked from the mission to the ferry building, 3 miles?

-enjoyed the mission's street art and the cute stores along Valencia street

-ate a craftsman and wolves for breakfast

-walked to union square to borrow dry shampoo from sephora

-walked to mikes work and are lunch at the ferry building. 

-ate a fish sandwich, oysters, and ice cream

-took the muni for the first time and went to sfsu to meet Katrina

-we are at San tung Chinese food

-Katrina drove us to the mosaic steps and then lands end

-Katrina dropped me off at the muni stop and I met up with Stephen, Fiona, and their friend Chris at the yerba buena center for drinks

-then we went to HRD for dinner

-then I napped at Stephens house for an hour until going out to the Castro at night

-went gay clubbing at the Castro with all Stephens gay friends, who are all nice 

-I really like gay clubbing music

-slept on the couch and was annoyed at Stephen for ignoring my requests to go home early 

Saturday 

-me and Stephen got ice cream at bi-rite and Ike's sandwiches

-went to Dolores park, at the gay beach corner of the hill and tanned for like 5 hours

- I fell asleep and got subburnt

-I also lost my favorite green utility jacket from h&m :( 

-got boba from boba guys, it was good

-went back to Stephens house and I got picked up by Katrina and her bf Chester to have dinner. also invited mike to join 

-we ate Indian food at Palawan

-went to cha cha cha and elbo room

-then Katrina and Chester took me to the view in downtown 

Sunday

-me and Stephen ate at skool for brunch which was really good

-got I cream at dog patch district?

- I bought an sf tote 

-went to Chrissy fields for the golden gate view and walked around the bridge 

-walked around the cute stores at Hayes 

-I bought a candle from a music gift shop

-ate American Chinese food at the mission

-Stephen took me to the airport and now  back home

So exhausted

2:17 am and going

I've got work in the morning. Damn daylight savings time. I have too many thoughts on my mind.

letting go of fear and comfort will allow me to discover my inner strength and potential 

potential has been a revolving word on my mind

saving money. am I doing it right?

values. what are mine? do I have stability in my values or do they keep changing?

exploration. of my sexuality. of feminism. of the world. of men. of women. of jobs.

satisfaction. I fear that my standards keep getting higher and higher in terms of satisfaction level. is it becoming unreasonable? how do I know?

Handstand progress

Sunday

feeling sad because I miss Randy's company... so much... I've been trying to keep busy and distract myself but once I have time to just think and let my thoughts go, I just begin sobbing again. 

Book of Mormon

Sunday

On-call for work today and it's such a beautiful sunny day it's depressing that I'm stuck at home. Went on a death visit in the morning and had some emails and phone calls to do. Wondering if I should drop my on call job so I could enjoy my weekends or if I should keep it and just be miserable on weekend but have a better resume with more experience.. Sigh. I hate responsibilities.

sometimes

sometimes I get moments of strength and feel enough maturity to either call or write him a letter of apology and forgiveness. I don't want to lose him forever, but I don't know how to overcome the feelings of desire either. tonight I wanted to express to him that I understand his side and that I would want to continue to be supportive of him as friends. But the other part of me is unable to endure a romanticless relationship together, because that is what I know. That is what I am familiar with and feel connected with. maybe I'll have to wait another few weeks or months before I can genuinely say the things I want to say.

banana back

Trying to straighten out my handstand by April. Yoga gives me so much therapy and satisfaction. The only other hobby that makes me feel this way is sewing. 

Potential

I've been wondering if I've been living up to my full potential.. and it's saddening. I feel like I've been lazy. even though I'm only 25 and have graduated from ucla and usc, and work a full time job and parttime job, I still feel lazy. 

Is this what I am destined to do? What if I went a different route? Computer coding? Fashion design? Medicine? Yoga instruction? What if? 

What if I'm meant to do so much more than I am right now? How do I get there? 

Weekend recap

Friday, I stayed at the office until about 6:30pm working on a case for a patient transferring to a SNF for respite. Today was very rainy. I got home and watched Jiros Dreams of Sushi on netflix off my roommates account. It's a good movie! wasn't really in the mood to go out, but my roommate Linda wanted to go clubbing and I didn't want to be home alone, even though I dread clubbing, I didn't want to be miserable by myself. I was kind of a Debbie downer for the car ride. we also went with her friend. We didn't make the wait list for the club and went to Gaam instead, and I was very relieved. I had fun at gaam, it was more chill and a lounge, which was more of what I was interested in at that time. Got home around 3am and knocked out. I was planning on going home to sm this weekend but due to the rain decided against it. I slept in for the first time in a long time and it felt great. I went to do my laundry at my aunts house and then went to watch RENT, with Miguel acting in it, by myself cause I couldn't find anyone to go with. I felt really lonely today because I wanted to hang out with someone or find someone to go with me to the show but there wasn't anyone available. I'm going to more places alone these days, and although I'm getting more comfortable going independently, it still makes me feel lonely. What's the point in having these experiences without sharing them with others. I don't regret going though, because I really enjoyed it. Then I think I just watched more Netflix when I got home. Today, I was thinking about doing on-call but then decided that since I don't have many weekends off these days it would be nice and worth it to sleep in again, which was a real treat that I felt I deserved. I woke up around noon and went with Linda to the groceries. Having roommates is a huge help in not feeling lonely, and I'm grateful to have them. Then later in the afternoon, I picked up Maggie and we went to fashion island and shopping. It was fun too. Overall, this felt like a pretty good weekend and I feel good I think. I was pretty lonely yesterday, but it was okay I guess. It just felt nice to have a weekend with no obligations, no work, no far driving, and just doing things that make me happy I guess. but it would still be nice to spend it with someone. 

Tuesday

Sick. Went out with my housemates Friday night at dtf and got a sore throat the next morning. Had my cousins wedding Saturday. My sore throat progressed to a stuffy nose Sunday and Monday. Now I have a cough and stuffy nose. I don't know if I've repeated any of this, because I'm typing on my phone and don't usually reread my previous posts because I'm lazy. went to yoga sculpt yesterday and tonight. I missed my yoga classes so much. It's just so dn expensive and far. I did like 8 orientation hens video tests at work today. I got in trouble at work yesterday for giving attitude to the Snf social worker. I told her that it was her job to call a family and not mine. She called my boss and said I was rude and unwilling to help. Good learning experience I guess. I must watch my attitude and mouth to stay professional. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl. blah. Also disappointed in myself for being greedy(?) by wanting a higher credit limit on my BofA card cause I didn't realize it would be a hard credit check and drop my credit score down 3 pts. Grr.. Now it's 769. Oh well. I'm also considering getting either a canon t3i or t5i body. Leaning towards the t3i. The end. 

Sunday

Felt lazy this morning after a long and nice day at An Nam and Holly's wedding yesterday. I juice two glasses of green juice. I felt sicker today with sore throat and stuffy nose. I made boiled chicken for the first time today. It tasted okay. I cleaned my room, so I could vacuum. I went to Brea Mall with Maggie. I only bought a pair of red shorts, yay I didn't go overboard. Then we went to eat at Gypsy Den in Anaheim for OC restaurant week, dinner for $15. Awesome. It was mediocre there, wasn't too impressed. I still want to try the Costa Mesa location though for lunch sometime. Talking to Maggie made me feel better about not being with randy, because that relationship wasn't who i was or wanted to become. That was a good reminder, however, feelings will still be difficult to let go. Still feeling sick. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, or this week. OH WELL. that is life.

young hearts grown old

lamely excited?

that my request for a higher credit line on my BofA credit card was instantly approved from $4900 for $9000. yayy, except now I wish I requested $10000 :X

finally almost making that $10k mark for on one card

now gotta work on my chase card! 

Thursday

Today was rough.

Went to Santa Ana for jury duty at 7:45am and waited in a chair until 3pm to finally get dismissed and told we are excused. I stayed the entire time except during the lunch period from 12:00pm-1:30pm where I drove to garden grove to visit a patient for work, because I was so stressed out about missing work today. All I had for lunch was a blueberry muffin and lays barbecue chips that I bought at the courthouse cafeteria. After 3pm I went and did 3 more patient visits and then drove to the office to clock in and out. I went home and ate my leftover trader joes dumplings I made last night. And throughout this entire day I was thinking about how bored I was and was sad for myself because I had no one to complain to, which made me miss randy. Now that I'm home, I still miss talking to him and it's making me really sad. Just the lack of the little everyday parts of talking to him and complaining to him is making me really lonely. 

Tuesday

Today, I worked from 8:15am-5:15pm. I did some visits for patients around buena park and placentia. I made lunch at home, which was steak, runny eggs, avocado, and strawberry infused water. I went home and got ready to meet Eilly for dinner at Summit House. Dinner with Eilly was really good! It was a lot of fun catching up and having girl talk. I've known her since the summer before 2nd year of ucla, and we've been close friends since then :). I went home and posted pictures. I am too tired to do any online orientation videos tonight and also too tired to read :( maybe tomorrow.. Although, I am on-call for my second job tomorrow and I get high anxiety :/

current worries and fears and wonders

• slowly losing my hearing. i feel that my hearing from my left ear is getting more muffled every day and it scares me that it's so premature. 
• not finding a secure group of friends to hang out with. i feel like i'm such a floater. 
• not being able to find another significant other i feel so passionately about and have the feelings be reciprocated and returned
• wondering if my current career is what i want to do for the rest of my life. is there something greater for me or more fulfilling? i feel so content currently and not having enough growth
• is Orange County where i will end up residing forever or is there a better location for me?
• will my acne ever go away or will i ever feel comfortable enough in my own skin to show it?
• will i achieve my life goal of traveling to 30 different countries before i'm 30? is this a selfish desire when i could be using my traveling money for my future? or for my family?

mostly recent things i'm proud of

• graduating with my Bachelors in Sociology and minor in Education Studies from UCLA
• graduating with my Masters of Social Work from USC
• receiving a job offer less than 3 weeks after getting my Masters
• having a regular full-time job as a medical social worker
• having a second part-time job on evenings and weekends as an on-call medical social worker for crises and EOBs
• receiving a raise at my full-time job after advocating for myself and proving my worth
• successfully negotiating my wage for my second job during my offer
• having my online store tinyloon.storenvy.com that I still need to update with new items 
• finding a room to rent all on my own and moving all my things on my own
• building my bookshelf by myself and half of my dresser
• joining a yoga studio monthly membership, even if it was only for four months
• finally joining a gym, even if it is not 24 hr fitness
• working out regularly at the gym or doing yoga
• being financially independent - health insurance, dental, rent, student loans, bills,
• paying my student loans on my own and doing well on finishing payments within 2-3 years
• having a much healthier diet and lifestyle
• exploring Orange County on my own - LB Flea Market and more to come  
• planning a solo plane trip to SF for a weekend 

I'm proud of myself for doing these things on my own, because I am starting to realize that I am the only one who can bring myself happiness through accomplishment like these. I cannot depend on anyone else for happiness when I am the one who creates it for myself. 

Monday

Today, I worked a regular day from 8:30am-5:00pm. I went to my grandma's house for lunch. I found out my uncle had a heart attack yesterday morning and just got out of heart surgery. I went to the a yoga sculpt class for the first time since October 2013 when my membership expired. I went home and drank protein after yoga kicked my ass. I tried to prep for my work lunch tomorrow, but only made mexican style corn togo and my green juice made from sunday. I did five, 4.5hrs worth of HENS online orientation videos (but really finished them in one hour) that I did not end up doing yesterday (there are about 15 more videos to go). I wanted to read "Everything is Illuminated," but it's already almost 1am and time to sleep. Tomorrow, I will be having dinner at Summit House with Eilly and hopefully read tomorrow night.

I actually felt kinda okay today and almost content? 

Today

Yesterday, Randy and I broke up.

Today, I went to the LB Flea Market by myself. I bought a 50 cent ring and a $20 initial necklace. I went to buy Nektar juice. I went to buy a 10 class yoga package at my favorite yoga studio for $145. I went to get one hour body massage. I went to the gym and did 6 reps of 10, 90lbs back squats. I bought groceries for the week. I made carne asada tocos and also packed my lunch for work tomorrow with leftover tacos. I juiced 3 quarts of green juice. And i'm planning to do 3 hrs of online orientation for work before I go to sleep tonight.

I haven't felt this productive in a while. It makes me wonder where all this free time went before.

Current lusts

it'd be nice if they'd just magically appear in my room one day

starting to blog again

it's been a long time since i've written on this blog. i actually wanted to start a new blog entirely, because i didn't feel comfortable with this one anymore and wanted to start off fresh, but then as i was rereading some old entries, i saw the beauty of the timeline of my emotions over the years that i couldn't help but want to continue with this one again. i've had a lot of change and growth since my last entry here. there are also a lot of things that i've accomplished that i am proud of.

since my last blog entry in April 2013, i've graduated from USC with my Masters of Social Work. I moved back to my parent's house and had a going away party with friends. I got a full time job less than a month after graduation and moved back to OC. I interviewed at a hospice, got offered, and accepted the job on the same day, on June 5, 2013. My official DOH was June 13, 2013, a day after my dad's birthday. I moved back to live at my relative's house in Westminster and paid rent until i found a place to rent with strangers on craigslist. I started dating Randy again, which i didn't expect. I moved to Anaheim on October 1, 2013. I got in a major car accident on October 6, coming back from SM to Anaheim, which totaled my 2006 Honda Civic. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. A car was merging into me and i swerved to avoid it but lost control and crashed into the center divider and then my car spun out across all four lanes on the fwy over to the side and crashed into the rail there. i still get afraid to drive on the fwy now, but i have to drive so much for work that i need to just get over that fear. I got a new car, 2014 Honda Accord Sport, from my parents to replace my old car. I love it and I love my parents for always being there for me. They really do take care of me well. I became more financially independent by paying my own rent, health insurance, dental insurance, student loans and other bills. i'm especially proud of being able to pay off my student loans on my own. My goal is to pay it all off in less than 2 years from now, so about December 2015. I got a second job that is on-cal at my previous hospice internship and started on November 6, 2013. I was pretty proud about that too. I'm still getting trained to do new tasks for the job, but i'm enjoying it a lot even though i may complain a lot. Just surrounding myself with professional and experienced coworkers has given me a lot of the growth that i've needed for myself professionally. i've been learning how to compromise more in my relationship. Overall, i've just been trying to understand life as an adult since graduation. i'm slowly getting there. I've been having a lot of different desires and wants for some time and it's a struggle for me to understand if they're valid, selfish, or unreasonable. or if it's just a phase. i guess only time will tell.

Goals for 2014:
-be more assertive
-put myself first
-do not feel bad about doing things i don't want to do
-be more confident in my skills, qualities, and assets
-be more refined
-redevelop my style
-start sewing again
-gym at least 4x/wk
-give more of my time to others
-be more open to others
-develop closer bonds and relationships
-travel
-take care of my skin and body
-learn to juice
-deepen my yoga practice
-not compare myself to others
-have deeper self-awareness