week by week

my life keeps changing week by week, but at the same time feels the same?

void

i definitely feel a void in my life. i miss him. when i think i'm pulling through, a few moments later i break down again. i hate this deceiving cycle. even though i miss him, i can't shake off feeling like i'm beginning to forget how it feels like with him anymore. i almost don't remember how to interact with him. it's becoming just a vague and familiar feeling. the vividness is fading. i want it to all fade sooner.

Gratitude

I must be more grateful for the things in my life. I complain too often.

burn out

LOL I'm so burnt out all I can do is laugh right now 

Sf weekend

march 16-19, Thursday night to Sunday night.

I stayed with Stephen the whole weekend and saw Katrina and mike on Friday and Saturday. Ate ice cream everyday.

Thursday 

-watched The Looking with Stephen 

Friday

-explored sf by myself and walked from the mission to the ferry building, 3 miles?

-enjoyed the mission's street art and the cute stores along Valencia street

-ate a craftsman and wolves for breakfast

-walked to union square to borrow dry shampoo from sephora

-walked to mikes work and are lunch at the ferry building. 

-ate a fish sandwich, oysters, and ice cream

-took the muni for the first time and went to sfsu to meet Katrina

-we are at San tung Chinese food

-Katrina drove us to the mosaic steps and then lands end

-Katrina dropped me off at the muni stop and I met up with Stephen, Fiona, and their friend Chris at the yerba buena center for drinks

-then we went to HRD for dinner

-then I napped at Stephens house for an hour until going out to the Castro at night

-went gay clubbing at the Castro with all Stephens gay friends, who are all nice 

-I really like gay clubbing music

-slept on the couch and was annoyed at Stephen for ignoring my requests to go home early 

Saturday 

-me and Stephen got ice cream at bi-rite and Ike's sandwiches

-went to Dolores park, at the gay beach corner of the hill and tanned for like 5 hours

- I fell asleep and got subburnt

-I also lost my favorite green utility jacket from h&m :( 

-got boba from boba guys, it was good

-went back to Stephens house and I got picked up by Katrina and her bf Chester to have dinner. also invited mike to join 

-we ate Indian food at Palawan

-went to cha cha cha and elbo room

-then Katrina and Chester took me to the view in downtown 

Sunday

-me and Stephen ate at skool for brunch which was really good

-got I cream at dog patch district?

- I bought an sf tote 

-went to Chrissy fields for the golden gate view and walked around the bridge 

-walked around the cute stores at Hayes 

-I bought a candle from a music gift shop

-ate American Chinese food at the mission

-Stephen took me to the airport and now  back home

So exhausted

2:17 am and going

I've got work in the morning. Damn daylight savings time. I have too many thoughts on my mind.

letting go of fear and comfort will allow me to discover my inner strength and potential 

potential has been a revolving word on my mind

saving money. am I doing it right?

values. what are mine? do I have stability in my values or do they keep changing?

exploration. of my sexuality. of feminism. of the world. of men. of women. of jobs.

satisfaction. I fear that my standards keep getting higher and higher in terms of satisfaction level. is it becoming unreasonable? how do I know?

Handstand progress

Sunday

feeling sad because I miss Randy's company... so much... I've been trying to keep busy and distract myself but once I have time to just think and let my thoughts go, I just begin sobbing again. 

Book of Mormon

Sunday

On-call for work today and it's such a beautiful sunny day it's depressing that I'm stuck at home. Went on a death visit in the morning and had some emails and phone calls to do. Wondering if I should drop my on call job so I could enjoy my weekends or if I should keep it and just be miserable on weekend but have a better resume with more experience.. Sigh. I hate responsibilities.

sometimes

sometimes I get moments of strength and feel enough maturity to either call or write him a letter of apology and forgiveness. I don't want to lose him forever, but I don't know how to overcome the feelings of desire either. tonight I wanted to express to him that I understand his side and that I would want to continue to be supportive of him as friends. But the other part of me is unable to endure a romanticless relationship together, because that is what I know. That is what I am familiar with and feel connected with. maybe I'll have to wait another few weeks or months before I can genuinely say the things I want to say.

banana back

Trying to straighten out my handstand by April. Yoga gives me so much therapy and satisfaction. The only other hobby that makes me feel this way is sewing. 

Potential

I've been wondering if I've been living up to my full potential.. and it's saddening. I feel like I've been lazy. even though I'm only 25 and have graduated from ucla and usc, and work a full time job and parttime job, I still feel lazy. 

Is this what I am destined to do? What if I went a different route? Computer coding? Fashion design? Medicine? Yoga instruction? What if? 

What if I'm meant to do so much more than I am right now? How do I get there? 

Weekend recap

Friday, I stayed at the office until about 6:30pm working on a case for a patient transferring to a SNF for respite. Today was very rainy. I got home and watched Jiros Dreams of Sushi on netflix off my roommates account. It's a good movie! wasn't really in the mood to go out, but my roommate Linda wanted to go clubbing and I didn't want to be home alone, even though I dread clubbing, I didn't want to be miserable by myself. I was kind of a Debbie downer for the car ride. we also went with her friend. We didn't make the wait list for the club and went to Gaam instead, and I was very relieved. I had fun at gaam, it was more chill and a lounge, which was more of what I was interested in at that time. Got home around 3am and knocked out. I was planning on going home to sm this weekend but due to the rain decided against it. I slept in for the first time in a long time and it felt great. I went to do my laundry at my aunts house and then went to watch RENT, with Miguel acting in it, by myself cause I couldn't find anyone to go with. I felt really lonely today because I wanted to hang out with someone or find someone to go with me to the show but there wasn't anyone available. I'm going to more places alone these days, and although I'm getting more comfortable going independently, it still makes me feel lonely. What's the point in having these experiences without sharing them with others. I don't regret going though, because I really enjoyed it. Then I think I just watched more Netflix when I got home. Today, I was thinking about doing on-call but then decided that since I don't have many weekends off these days it would be nice and worth it to sleep in again, which was a real treat that I felt I deserved. I woke up around noon and went with Linda to the groceries. Having roommates is a huge help in not feeling lonely, and I'm grateful to have them. Then later in the afternoon, I picked up Maggie and we went to fashion island and shopping. It was fun too. Overall, this felt like a pretty good weekend and I feel good I think. I was pretty lonely yesterday, but it was okay I guess. It just felt nice to have a weekend with no obligations, no work, no far driving, and just doing things that make me happy I guess. but it would still be nice to spend it with someone.